We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
