1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She's the barista slut.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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