I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
