He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
