if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
