I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
