How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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