call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
