Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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