i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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