I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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