his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
