Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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