he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
