Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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