there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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