I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
