It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you still have your period?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
