this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
