Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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