broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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