seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
