The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
