The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
