Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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