I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
