I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
