I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize