May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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