Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I want to be your penis for a week.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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