I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
