Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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