Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
