Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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