i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize