Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
ok first of all what the fuck
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
