The maid of honor just puked.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize