our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
