Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
