Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
