Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
