last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
