saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
