how can u be prego again
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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