when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
