i just had sex bonerless
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my shit smells like andre
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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