Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
