Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Damn victory sex feels great
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
