You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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