You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
