Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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