Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just gargled with NyQuil
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
