I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
