Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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