is your mom at the bar?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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