I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
